Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I lied

So I am a big liar lair pants. I was really struggling today and I can't really explain why. Everything hit me at once. HIS APPOINTMENT IS TOMORROW! I was an emotional mess on the verge of tears all day, but I couldn't actually cry.

I dropped Andrew off at Preschool with Ms. Stephanie (We LOVE her) and I met up with my friend Kassie so she can follow me back to my place and we can chat about what is going on in our lives. Her son, N, not quite a month older than Andrew,  has already been diagnosed with Autism. He reminds me SO much of Bug and that just solidifies the reality of tomorrow for me. I love my time with Kassie and her sons and truly cherish her as a friend, but I SO wish we could have found each other under different circumstances. At the same time I love having another Mommy to go though this with.

After they left, I tired to take a nap because I actually didn't sleep at all last night. But instead I just laid there, looking at the background picture of my phone. My beautiful son.

I tried to cry, I had to get some of this emotion out, but I couldn't. I was completely numb. So I listened to "It Won't Be Like This for Long" By Darius Rucker. That song ALWAYS makes me cry. By the time he sings the chorus for the first time I am bawling like a big baby. It was almost comical. I was blubbering, sobbing, had snot running down my face, the whole shebang. I spent a good 20 minutes crying like that before I had to go pick Bug up. As I am driving to go pick up that beautiful kiddo,  It hits me again. Another wave of comical crying. I actually had to sit in Stephanie's drive way for a little while to pull my self together.

When I walk in the door, Andrew comes RUNNING up the stairs to get to me and gives me a kiss. He knew just what I needed, then he just laid his head on my shoulder and we walked out.

Just like that.

Just like that, that beautiful creature that I had growing in me for 8 1/2 months, that beautiful creature that is going to be 3 in 3 months made me day all better.

We got home and he had fallen asleep in the car, so I carried him up the stairs and  put him in our bed. I sat there looking at him, wondering what his future was going to be like, when I had to remind my self.

One day at a time, Shauna.

I go and get some coffee, sit down on the computer and log in to facebook and this pops up.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher

It's almost like it was waiting for me. With that I am back at this place of acceptance. I know there will be hills and valleys in this for all of us, and that some days will be better than others. But at the end of those days I still have my amazing child.

... and you know what? That makes everything better :)

No comments:

Post a Comment