Raw emotions

Trust me when I say that this is going to be all over the place, I am just completely overwhelmed.

When you become a parent, there is just such raw emotion that comes along with it. There is literally a piece of your heart and soul walking around out side of your body. When I got pregnant with Andrew, little did we know what our future would hold. I didn't realize that his struggles would be my struggles, I didn't realize that his triumphs would be my triumphs, I didn't realize that every little thing he would do could impact me so deeply and with such emotion. But it does, daily.

Andrew has been having a hard time since he went back to school after vacation. I mean REALLY hard. Tons of melt downs, anxiety, attachment issues with me and horrible sleeping. There hasn't been one day where I have dropped him off that I haven't left him screaming his head off. If you are a parent, you can understand how devastating that is.

Today, while at Ms. Stephanie's, The school psychologist just so happened to be there observing another child. She saw Andrew and witnessed his melt down. We dropped him off at 8:30 and I got a text at 10 saying he was still upset. :( :( :(. I guess Trisha ( the psych) said something to Stephanie, about how we need to figure something out because "obviously this isn't working" What I don't think she understands is that he is exactly like this at school too. That this high pitched scream she hears every Monday and Wednesday is coming from The blue bear room and out of the mouth of my son.

Tonight, Andrew did not want to fall asleep, he has been off the wall crazy all day, jumping off of everything and screaming for no reason that I can find. As I was laying in bed with him, I lost it... I got on the train to pitty town and just bawled my eyes out. WHY my son? Why does MY child have to struggle with things that would be so simple to you or I? Then I start thinking about his future and that is when I really lose it. I can't go there, Not with how new his diagnosis is or maybe even ever. My mind seems to think it's fun to assume my son will never talk, or have a job, or a spouse, kids, drive a car, Ect... That is not fair!!! It's not fair to assume those things of him and it's not fair to me to have that kind of worry. My mantra since this whole thing has started is "One day at a time" Because honestly, we don't know. All of those things could come true, or he could be the next Bill Gates!

But here I sit in pitty town, looking at my child, wondering, waiting, praying that his life will be everything he can ever dreams it will be. Tears streaming down my face as I think of how crewel people can be. Heart broken because my son will not have the life I dreamed for him.

I need to take a step back and really think, because I *know* Andrew is happy, I *know* Andrew is healthy, I *know* that he makes my heart full of love and other emotions that I just didn't think would ever be possible.

But I also *know* he has Autism. I know that there will be bad days, for him, for me, for Erik. I know people will be judgmental ass holes and judge my son and our parenting.

I guess such is life...

Anxious

For most of this pregnancy (all 16 weeks of it!) I've been pretty laid back, but recently I have been very anxious about having a second child. I really, REALLY can not imagine loving another child, especially as much as I love Bug. I am sure it will happen, it happens to all mothers! Haha, But that is the main thing I am anxious about. Recently, when Andrew has a melt down I wonder how on earth I am going to manage a second child, How on earth am I going to be able to nurse a baby and stop Andrew from jumping off of the furniture, especially in the early days. How on earth I am going to be able to do a lot of stuff?! I know that baby wearing will be a life savor, but then I go on to worry about Jealousy. I know it comes with all most all sibling sets, but Andrew is VERY attached to me. I guess we will see where this crazy life takes us in the next few months, Lord knows we can handle a lot!

Have a good week everyone! Sorry for the short blurbs!