Trust me when I say that this is going to be all over the place, I am just completely overwhelmed.
When you become a parent, there is just such raw emotion that comes along with it. There is literally a piece of your heart and soul walking around out side of your body. When I got pregnant with Andrew, little did we know what our future would hold. I didn't realize that his struggles would be my struggles, I didn't realize that his triumphs would be my triumphs, I didn't realize that every little thing he would do could impact me so deeply and with such emotion. But it does, daily.
Andrew has been having a hard time since he went back to school after vacation. I mean REALLY hard. Tons of melt downs, anxiety, attachment issues with me and horrible sleeping. There hasn't been one day where I have dropped him off that I haven't left him screaming his head off. If you are a parent, you can understand how devastating that is.
Today, while at Ms. Stephanie's, The school psychologist just so happened to be there observing another child. She saw Andrew and witnessed his melt down. We dropped him off at 8:30 and I got a text at 10 saying he was still upset. :( :( :(. I guess Trisha ( the psych) said something to Stephanie, about how we need to figure something out because "obviously this isn't working" What I don't think she understands is that he is exactly like this at school too. That this high pitched scream she hears every Monday and Wednesday is coming from The blue bear room and out of the mouth of my son.
Tonight, Andrew did not want to fall asleep, he has been off the wall crazy all day, jumping off of everything and screaming for no reason that I can find. As I was laying in bed with him, I lost it... I got on the train to pitty town and just bawled my eyes out. WHY my son? Why does MY child have to struggle with things that would be so simple to you or I? Then I start thinking about his future and that is when I really lose it. I can't go there, Not with how new his diagnosis is or maybe even ever. My mind seems to think it's fun to assume my son will never talk, or have a job, or a spouse, kids, drive a car, Ect... That is not fair!!! It's not fair to assume those things of him and it's not fair to me to have that kind of worry. My mantra since this whole thing has started is "One day at a time" Because honestly, we don't know. All of those things could come true, or he could be the next Bill Gates!
But here I sit in pitty town, looking at my child, wondering, waiting, praying that his life will be everything he can ever dreams it will be. Tears streaming down my face as I think of how crewel people can be. Heart broken because my son will not have the life I dreamed for him.
I need to take a step back and really think, because I *know* Andrew is happy, I *know* Andrew is healthy, I *know* that he makes my heart full of love and other emotions that I just didn't think would ever be possible.
But I also *know* he has Autism. I know that there will be bad days, for him, for me, for Erik. I know people will be judgmental ass holes and judge my son and our parenting.
I guess such is life...